The Problem with My Sexuality, ext

A gay Texan’s words to Trump-supporting friends & family.

I’ve been having some great conversations lately. Conversations that while sometimes difficult, are so helpful with better understanding those that I love in my life. Those folks that I simply refuse to let go of.

As a gay man in Texas during an election year, you might have suspect that these conversations are political ones, and while that might be a way to look at it, I’d say they are more conversations about empathy. I’ve explained previously why I don’t really engage in ‘political’ discussions too much these days.

During one of those recent conversations, a loved one suggested that I consider the potential that maybe I’m the one who has a problem with my sexuality. That I was assuming the worse in others in rural, conservative, and evangelical circles.

Now, the smartass in me would like to go into a discussion about what gaslighting is, but I’ve learned that 1) that isn’t really my lane and 2) that type of discussion utilizes language that has become off-putting for the folks I’d like to hear it most.

So, taking the more empathetic path, I can honestly admit that I understand how my loved one came to this potential conclusion. Well-meaning yes, but definitely not based in reality with much examination, but that’s ok. Honestly, this type of response has been common in my discussions over the last four years as I have lived more out and open not only as a gay man but also as a Texan with progressive beliefs based on my lived experiences.

The thought, that I’m the one with the problem and that everyone else in small-town rural America is completely fine with the gay community falls into the same bucket of responses that would tell me that I’m being sensitive. That I’m playing a victim. That I don’t understand my rights.

“Comply. Hush. Drop it,” is all that I hear.

The reality is that I completely understand where this line of thought comes from and how it becomes so strong. It has parallels with so much that is taught in all of those circles: rural, conservative, and evangelical.

One’s success is solely based on their own actions. All problems are due to the individual, not their environment. Deny your lived experiences. Put on a happy face and stay positive. You’re only responsible for yourself.

As a 9th generation Texan, I know these lessons because they are what I learned and lived by much of my life. I recently came across some journals back from my time interning in DC in 2010 where my views of protesting, racial injustice, and progress in general, were very different. Most of my thoughts were centered around the idea of “keeping the peace,” and “getting along.” I was ignorant, but I wasn’t necessarily malicious in intent.

With that in mind, I thought I’d share a quick explanation for those who might think that I’m the one who has a problem with my sexuality. This will be my reasoning for why I believe that is untrue delivered in a loving and empathetic way.

To begin, we’ll need to head back to the day after the 2016 election where I shared a Facebook post that mentioned my sexuality for the first time in my life. Now it’s important to mention that I had considered myself “out” since about 2012, and voted Democrat for the first time in ’08 for Obama/Biden. I definitely thought I was going to get struck by lightning or something for that one, but it didn’t happen.

In that Facebook post in 2016, I stated that “The only way for us to keep our space in this nation is to make our voices heard, continue to participate in this democracy, and share our experience with those around us.”

I also confessed that “ I might have learned that lesson a bit too late myself, but I’ll be living by it these next four years.”

The truth is that while I was freshly out in 2012, I hadn’t fully internalized how my rights were impacted based on my sexuality. It’s a tough thing to explain because it’s not that I didn’t realize that gay Americans had fewer rights. In fact, I very much had picked up on that fact and it had become a big driver to keep me in the closet. Even after coming out, there was still almost a tier system of “well I’m not ‘that kind of gay,’ that can only be described as internalized homophobia.

I think it was the tone of the election cycle in 2016 as well as my own personal growth that helped me realize that there was definitely a problem with my sexuality. However, I believed society was the one with that problem. I was also expressing a very optimistic, and potentially naive, idea that if we simply shared more of ourselves with the world, things might change.

Now to fully understand why I believed that society is what has a problem with my sexuality, you need to understand my background in fundamental evangelical religion. That ideology teaches that my sexuality is a problem based on a few verses while ignoring many other verses that say that it is sin for women to speak in church, a sin to eat certain foods and that non-virgins should be stoned to death. This selective literalism is something that prevents all types of folks from subscribing to this ideology.

Once I left that way of thinking behind and started the process of loving myself, healing the wounds that worldview can create for a gay person, and finding pride in who I was, I started to realize ways in which our society separates people like me based on our sexual identity.

In 2016, when I shared that post, it was legal in Texas as well as many other states for firing me simply for being gay. This lack of protection seemed so similar to the teachings and hatred I had heard much of my life directed at gay people. It was another form of not honoring our humanity completely separate from religious teaching. There is no way to look at this from that context without recognizing it to be wrong.

Earlier this year when the Supreme Court ruled in a landmark case that sexual orientation was a protected class and finally made this act of discriminating against the LGBTQ+ community in the workplace illegal, I saw so many folks sharing how they felt like that should have been a “no-brainer.” These weren’t just progressive or moderate voices either, many conservative people that I know tend to vote Republican were making these types of statements as well.

The problem with that scenario is that these conservative folks who voted for Trump in 2016 helped seat an administration that argued for this ability to discriminate against people like me in that case.

Another reason I finally decided to share about my sexuality on social media in that way is that I have experienced love and acceptance from many folks in my life who are conservative and like to identify themselves as Republicans. I know that even though they have grown up in a culture that overall thinks of gay people as less than, they love me and accept me as I am.

Yes, when I write or speak about some of these more negative or hurtful aspects of living as a gay man in America, these folks tend to fall into this line of thinking that I am in fact the one with the problem.

Now that we are leading up to this election in 2020, I have by no means tried to take on the task of changing anyone’s vote, but I have taken up the task of explaining mine.

That includes explaining that the Republican Party platform includes specific language that states:

“Our laws and our government’s regulations should recognize marriage as the union of one man and one woman … We do not accept the Supreme Court’s redefinition of marriage and we urge its reversal.”

This is just one of many ways in which a vote for the Republican Party is a vote to suppress and strip the LGBTQ+ community.

What this means is that this ideology that preaches that gays are less than, has crept into the public square over decades and is being utilized by politicians to limit our rights. It also means that any person who votes Republican is perpetuating a world in which gays are less than.

This is why I do not believe that I am the one who has a problem with my sexuality. I believe it is our society that has that problem, and I believe it is time folks in the lives of LGBTQ+ folks know that they are perpetuating that problem.

This experience of mine is not always popular, but I’ve learned that calls for change usually aren’t. Those in my life that love me are interested in hearing it though and that willingness to hear my authentic voice as I create the space for myself that society tries to strip away is definitely worthwhile.

Again, I don’t like to try to change people's votes out of force, shame, or telling them what they “should do,” because honestly, that feels way to close to what I’ve experienced as a gay man both in and out of the closet in this culture. That said, when folks listen to others and potentially broaden their worldview enough to reexamine their choices, it feels like all the promises I was taught about America could be true.